Today, while rolling under an unseasonably frigid October sky, I came to a rather stark pop culture realization. The Zombieland Rules identified in the film apply, nearly directly, to the three months of hell-on-earth known as “Aerobic Base”. I’ve attempted (poorly), to translate as such.
- Cardio - Duh.
- Double tap - And THEN stand on the pedals.
- Beware of bathrooms - Peeing off the bike is a valuable talent.
- Wear seatbelts - Cranial protection should apply here.
- Cast iron skillet - How else are you gonna cook that 97% lean ground turkey and egg whites?
- Travel light - Goes without saying.
- Get a kickass partner - Also goes without saying.
- Paper towels - ‘Cause no one likes a bike covered in dried road salt and snot rockets.
- Bowling Ball - Keep pedaling, fatty.
Don’tbe a hero - Except when confronting four rednecks in the middle of nowhere who just buzzed you in an F350.
- Limber up - Foam roller.
- Avoid strip clubs - There’s one on one of my regular base routes. Temptation is high.
- When in doubt, know your way out - Plan B, whether it’s a credit card for a cab or a girlfriend at home when a squirrel gets caught in your drivetrain.
- The buddy system - See rule 8
- Check the back seat - Dooring is fun!
- Enjoy the little things - Like hot baristas, beautiful sunrises, girls checking out your legs, and a hot pumpkin latte in the middle of a long ride.
- Swiss army knife - Multitool.
- Clean socks - Derp.
- Hygiene - Double derp.
- Always have backup - See 31, 22, 8.
Rule 32 in action.