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Today, while rolling under an unseasonably frigid October sky, I came to a rather stark pop culture realization. The Zombieland Rules identified in the film apply, nearly directly, to the three months of hell-on-earth known as “Aerobic Base”. I’ve attempted (poorly), to translate as such.

Per Wikipedia:

  1. Cardio - Duh.
  2. Double tap - And THEN stand on the pedals.
  3. Beware of bathrooms - Peeing off the bike is a valuable talent.
  4. Wear seatbelts - Cranial protection should apply here.
  5. Cast iron skillet - How else are you gonna cook that 97% lean ground turkey and egg whites?
  6. Travel light - Goes without saying.
  7. Get a kickass partner - Also goes without saying.
  8. Paper towels - ‘Cause no one likes a bike covered in dried road salt and snot rockets.
  9. Bowling Ball - Keep pedaling, fatty.
  10. Don’t be a hero - Except when confronting four rednecks in the middle of nowhere who just buzzed you in an F350.
  11. Limber up - Foam roller.
  12. Avoid strip clubs - There’s one on one of my regular base routes. Temptation is high.
  13. When in doubt, know your way out - Plan B, whether it’s a credit card for a cab or a girlfriend at home when a squirrel gets caught in your drivetrain.
  14. The buddy system - See rule 8
  15. Check the back seat - Dooring is fun!
  16. Enjoy the little things - Like hot baristas, beautiful sunrises, girls checking out your legs, and a hot pumpkin latte in the middle of a long ride.
  17. Swiss army knife - Multitool.
  18. Clean socks - Derp.
  19. Hygiene - Double derp.
  20. Always have backup - See 31, 22, 8.

Rule 32 in action.

Posted at 2:33pm and tagged with: cycling, training, zombieland, zombies, one column,.