THE LOCALS ARE PAINTING MY NAME ON THE ROADS

Today, while rolling under an unseasonably frigid October sky, I came to a rather stark pop culture realization. The Zombieland Rules identified in the film apply, nearly directly, to the three months of hell-on-earth known as “Aerobic Base”. I’ve attempted (poorly), to translate as such.

Per Wikipedia:

1. Cardio - Duh.
2. Double tap - And THEN stand on the pedals.
3. Beware of bathrooms - Peeing off the bike is a valuable talent.
4. Wear seatbelts - Cranial protection should apply here.
5. Cast iron skillet - How else are you gonna cook that 97% lean ground turkey and egg whites?
6. Travel light - Goes without saying.
7. Get a kickass partner - Also goes without saying.
8. Paper towels - ‘Cause no one likes a bike covered in dried road salt and snot rockets.
9. Bowling Ball - Keep pedaling, fatty.
10. Don’t be a hero - Except when confronting four rednecks in the middle of nowhere who just buzzed you in an F350.
11. Limber up - Foam roller.
12. Avoid strip clubs - There’s one on one of my regular base routes. Temptation is high.
13. When in doubt, know your way out - Plan B, whether it’s a credit card for a cab or a girlfriend at home when a squirrel gets caught in your drivetrain.
14. The buddy system - See rule 8
15. Check the back seat - Dooring is fun!
16. Enjoy the little things - Like hot baristas, beautiful sunrises, girls checking out your legs, and a hot pumpkin latte in the middle of a long ride.
17. Swiss army knife - Multitool.
18. Clean socks - Derp.
19. Hygiene - Double derp.
20. Always have backup - See 31, 22, 8.

Rule 32 in action.